No One Told Me How This Would Be

Feeling like I'm stuck in this in between stage...I'm still a daughter and a sister at home, but my mind and heart are a few steps ahead for my own home. To organize and worry about my own place. To have a person I live with everyday who is not loyal by blood, but loyal by the covenant.

It's a very strange transition between the two. I still sleep in my room, on my bed, at Mom and Dads, but I know it is coming to an end. A forever end. Not just a sleep over or retreat away from home...but I'll live somewhere else every day.

No one talked about this stage. No one warned me.

I have so much connection and memories and comfort at Mom and Dads, but in 8 days...that will be my past. I'll only be coming to visit...and I'll be in a different town every day...away from them.

It's strange, this transition. Home has always been Mom and Dads...but that's going to change in one day. That day, that day I'll kiss my husband for the first time in my life. That day I'll commit my life to this man forever until I die. That day I'll be united to him forever (not even fully understanding what that looks like yet). That day I'll go to sleep in another bed, and I'll wake up next to a man. That day I become a wife. That day my obedience to God shifts to one man...as I serve and respect and honor him, I do it as onto The Lord. That day it is no longer about me or my dreams. That day it becomes about what God says for both of us together. There is nothing abnormal about this...it is actually exactly the way God designed it to be...a transition, for growing, to bring change...it's never comfortable, and most of the time we don't like it has humans, but it has to happen, and it is good.

In a matter of one day...I'll be living in the unknown. A territory I've never set foot into before that day. That day my life, my name, my status, my schedule and routine will all change.

That day.

No one told me how this would be. No one warned me about what it would be like, to leave everything I know, to be fully committed to a man I have only known a few years. My love for him is beyond time, time cannot measure it. My love for him is beyond the present satisfaction or desires, it's beyond myself. I don't even fully understand it.

Sometimes I don't understand how God can love me when I continually choose my way over His. When I get angry at Him for not doing things my way even though He's the One who sees everything and I only see a crumb. He still loves me even though I am the one who hung Jesus on the cross...it was my sin He was paying for even though He was sinless. I don't understand why He still loves me.

But I don't have to. Because I wasn't there when the galaxies were formed by His hand...



I wasn't there when he gave seeds life to grow and produce. I wasn't even there when he thought it all up.

So how can I love another human being on this earth? Another imperfect person who messes up just as much as I do and needs Jesus just as much as me? How can I?

Because I am God's masterpiece.

He created me to grow and learn and make choices that would make me into the person I am today, to bring me to the next chapter where I would not only grow to glorify Him more in my own life...but that through my selfless love for another person, I would reflect the perfect love he has for me. While God is very real and nothing is more wonderful than Him, our eyes deceive us here on earth and we forever chase our senses to try to find satisfaction. Marriage is a visual representation of God and His love for us. God knows we are driven by our eyes, and so He set up an example for us. Just as Jesus died on the cross for us, so a husband is called to give up his life and work hard for his wife. And just as we are called to follow Christ and His teaching, so a wife is called to follow, respect, love and honor her husband.

I knew that my whole life. I thought it was beautiful, and I wanted a marriage that reflected that. I knew how beautiful it could be because I know God, and I know Jesus.

Being so close to being married I have been thinking about how my life will be, and if I will reflect that. I feel so unworthy to be a reflection of God and His love, but for some reason He still gives us all a chance to show the world. Anyone can get married, but I know not everyone can be a reflection of God's love, especially if they don't know God's love or Jesus. But I do. And Matt does. And we both know what we are getting ourselves into.

This is a BIG DEAL. Marriage isn't just another thing to get done like getting your car washed. It is serious...it's God's thing. He owns the copyright. Maybe that's why the transition is so important. Maybe that's why it isn't easy. It's serious, and it affects the whole world. Because whether they know it or not...marriage is the one visual example God blessed us with so that we would understand the meaning of life, why we are here and what happens next. It's all about God, He created it, He keeps it going and He sets the way. The more people that have marriages that are a husband sacrificing and a wife respecting and supporting...the more people will know God and know Jesus.

I am honored to be the visual representation...because as much as I mess up, Matt will always sacrifice for me. And as much as Matt messes up, I will always honor, respect and support him. Not because we are perfect, but because God is, and He NEVER EVER gives up on us, and we are vowing to never give up on each other.