Growing up is hard. Things you thought were never going to change start to change before your eyes....things you thought were never going to be a thing end up being the very things that are the hardest about growing up.
I heard about growing up and about being an adult and "leaving and cleaving" and how your parents won't always be there to provide or to warn you...and some things you'll learn by trial and error and you won't be protected from all the stresses of life. You have to grow up at some point. I personally was taking it really hard a few months/weeks ago that I had to "leave" my parents...but the road has been such a blessing for our relationship...it's just different than when I was little...
I am going to be 25 this year and I am learning more and more what it means to be an adult and really what it means to be me. The person God want me to be. My parents are such wonderful parents and I have yet to meet someone that does it better :) I love them to my hearts core. They are a part of my being, not just because they raised me, but because in my time of "growing up" they became my best friends. We disagree sometimes and we don't get each other all of the time...it's hard...but that's what we call a relationship worth fighting for. They will always be there for me no matter what...and I know without a doubt that they will do everything they can to NOT enable me. They will make the hard decision for my future and for my strength by standing by me even if I'm tripping. They speak truth to me when I need it, and keep their comments to themselves when I need to focus. I am so blessed to have parents who really want to see me grow up into a strong woman...and not to be the kind of parents who have their hands in everything I do and brag about me. I'm not some trophy. That isn't what they want. They know the importance of life lessons and they don't want to do me a disservice by controlling me so that I never get hurt. They know you can't grow muscles without lifting a heavy weight and feeling some pain. They have been my cheerleaders my whole life and I am so glad to call them my best friends now. They share so much of their hearts with me, and sometimes I am so happy to just be home and know I can talk to them.
When I was growing up my parents rarely used the "because I say so" card. My siblings and I never lacked information on why certain decisions were not a good idea. Our parents were open with us about their own struggles. As they were becoming humble through God's teaching, they didn't hide that from us. When us kids made decisions we couldn't say "we didn't know"...because our parents shared not only the DON'T DO list...but also the WHY list. We were without excuse. And frankly isn't that the way God parents us?? Hmmm...
There is such a level of respect and love that I think a lot of children miss out on, and frankly parents too.
It is sort of crazy to me for parents to expect respect and love and affection from adult children when those children were never given the chance to get to know their parents as normal people...all their mistakes and hurts were never laid bare before them. You can't expect a new adult to be all honest and gushy with you when you haven't even been humble enough to be raw before your adult children. From the time people are teenagers they are CRAVING relativity. They want stories. They want honesty. They want people to be vulnerable before them. And that energizes them to be open, honest and vulnerable in return. Isn't that why God sent Jesus to earth?? So we would have a high priest who understands and knows??
When I was 12 I decided to not date. This was NOT by the encouragement of my parents. Seriously. My parents taught me how to look at people and the world and to see God's Word and Truth in the daily life we live. I took that and looked around me at God's Word and I saw people were not "guarding their hearts", I saw His truth was not important to them, and I saw that their daily life was in and out of relationships. I didn't want that. I was convicted at 12 that my life needed to have Jesus written all over it, and that there would be no room for the world to write on me. I wanted to be married one day...and I certainly didn't want to be in and out of relationships. I was already boy crazy as it was and that was plenty enough for my emotions to handle...dating would have destroyed me! So I decided that I could get to know guys just by being friends with them...and I held to that until I was 21. I had my first boyfriend and even that relationship as a 21 year old, choosing courtship, not holding hands, not saying "I love you"...it hurt me. But I knew that although that hurt might have been avoided, I learned so much about myself in that pain. And without that pain I wouldn't have sprinted to Jesus with my broken heart. Doesn't God want our good times and our bad times???
Now, I might be married soon. I have found the one my soul loves. Well, God found him...actually he was there for a while...haha. God makes me smile with the way He works things out :) I am now in courtship and both me and my boyfriend are learning what it mean to "leave" based on scripture and the healthiness of our relationship with our parents. It's so awesome to try to honor and obey God at the same time and to be encouraging each other. God is in it all...every conversation and every hard time (you know...the ones that build muscles if you pick up the weight).
My encouragement to teens: You are learning so much right now! You may have made decisions you aren't proud of...or you may not be exposed that much to growing up. Whatever your situation, it is no mistake that you have the parents you do. God doesn't make mistakes. You need your parents (or some kind of guardian) and to be honest, they need you. Sometimes we look at our parents as if they have it all figured out and they are just working and doing their thing and they have to take care of us because they are our parents. First, be glad that they choose to take care of you in a world that kills children on a daily basis because parents are selfish. Your parents choose to have a new human being in their life that they would be responsible for. That's a big weight, and if they are in your life, they chose to bare that weight every day because they're love for you is beyond the stuff of this world. You are worth fighting for. What a blessing to have someone who loves you that much! Second, they do not have it all figured out. It took me actually becoming an adult to realize how beautifully human my parents are. They need encouragement. They cry. They have to speak to themselves to be motivated about getting up in the morning. They are human. And they need to know that someone sees that they are doing their best in their human state. They don't have it all figured out...but they are trying their hardest for you because of love. And your parents need Jesus and the Word of God just as much as you. Share those encouragements with them. Open the Word together. Pray for your parents and with your parents.
My encouragement to parents: I am not a parent. What I have to share is small and it is only based upon what I appreciate from my own parents based on what we've been through as a family.
Don't stop praying for what your children need. Yelling and getting frustrated is the quickest way for your child to not hear a word you say. Being understanding and sharing your heart with your kids is the best thing they will remember and it will stay with them. One day God will call them to leave you. Share with them as much as you can so that they know you have their back. Do not control them...they WILL run away and you'll push them away. God's Word is living and active...use it! Every parenting book and idea that doesn't come from scripture probably won't work. God is the only one who has it together. Let your kids know that. Teach them about God's parenting, not yours. Don't give the impression that you have it all together, one day they will see that you don't. Teach respect. Teach tough love for their safety and benefit not for their gratification or for "feeling good". Be open and honest. They respond to transparency. You were a kid too. They want to hear about that. Teach them what it means to obey God. Show them what being a child of God looks like. And then when they are grown, teach them what it means to be a brother and sister in Christ. You won't always be parenting...hopefully soon they will be your friends.
My encouragement for young adults: Love your parents. Don't let them walk all over you, but love them the way they need to be loved. Feed their Spirit with the Word of God. Don't argue and walk away. Handle situations like an adult, take responsibility for things said. Be CLEAR about boundaries and feelings. Pray for and with your parents and family. Obey God with all your heart and pray for them to understand that you are obeying the Lord and seeking His best. God will fill in the gaps. It might be hard. It might hurt. There might need to be hard boundaries set. Mom might cry. Love will help everyone. You do what you need to do to be the person God is calling you to be. Talk to Mom and Dad...you may inspire them...God might have bigger plans for them too...and your story may help them see that. Listen and love. Everyone is here because of love. If you feel controlled, say something...you're an adult now...you can speak up for yourself without being disrespectful. Don't let it be one time...keep communicating. Every relationship needs communication. Figure out your parents...some info is best not shared sometimes. Love them and share Jesus. Take responsibility. They are trying to figure it out too. Grace, forgiveness and love are wonderful things.
I am still learning what it means to, in a healthy way, "Leave and Cleave". I have asked God to teach me...and He is. He knows each and every person and what they need. And He has plans for each of us. Even our older parents....God isn't done with them. What is God calling you to? How is He teaching you? Are you asking Him to teach you? Remember, no one has it all together. Don't pretend. Be humble. Be open. Be honest. And be vulnerable with those you love. But above all, obey God with all your heart...and He will be there in your situation. Open His Word.
More thoughts...
I still live at home with my parents. Like I said before, my parents have been very encouraging with what growing up means. I don't have chores anymore. They don't "require" me to do things. It's a equal effort. If the kitchen floor is dirty, an adult cleans the kitchen floor. It doesn't matter who...but someone has to do it. I care for my parents home as if it were my own. We, agreeing with each other, have rules for the home that we all abide by. If I have a problem, we talk about it. We are a team now. It's no longer about me "obeying" Mom and Dad...we are partners. This was a lessons we were encouraged to learn when my Dad got sick. They needed me. They didn't "require" me to do things...they didn't give me a "to do list" and expect me to have it done when they got home. It should be whoever is ABLE handles what needs to be done. I was home while my mom was at the hospital with my Dad...I managed the home for a time, I cared for my brother and cooked and cleaned. They didn't ask me to...I did it because it had to be done. I'm a part of the family. I love them. This is what love does. I make dinner some nights because we have to eat. I don't do it because there isn't anything to eat, I do it because I am an adult human being living here too...not because they require it of me. This allows me to be independent and still care for a home without paying rent to someone else down the street. I know it must be hard for my parents having me living here but also being independent. They ask me if I can help with things...but they don't assume I'm available. One day my Dad was trying to see if my Mom could bring the van in for an oil change. They went over days to try and figure out when they could. I offered to take it in for them because I was able and available. But they didn't count on me even being an option. I was able to serve them and do something for them out of the love in my heart and not because I was asked. If they had required it of me...I might not have done it haha. I want to be given the opportunity to make my own decisions...including the decisions to help. And because my parents have never tried to control any of us kids, I feel the freedom to go out of my way to serve them because I know they don't expect it and honestly it makes it more enjoyable for them too, I think. Isn't that how God is with us?? He gives us instruction...but then He allows us to accept for deny it. There isn't a Bible for each age of life....it's one way...choose or deny. But He never FORCES us to love for obey Him. Once we choose to love and obey Him...we are sure of our decision. Walking in confidence.
