Sometimes I don't understand God...

Do you ever feel like that?
"God, why did You decide to do things that way?" 
"God, that doesn't make sense" 
"God, I don't understand"

So many times I found myself asking those questions. I didn't understand why my friends were getting married younger than me, when I had waited so long and studied how to be a God-honoring wife. "Why God? I don't understand.." I was frustrated most times with God, angry because I felt like He didn't realize this passion I had, hurt because I felt forgotten. Sometimes I fell into depression. This went on for a long time.

To those who struggle with wanting to be married, you can probably relate...to those who are wondering why this is such a big deal...it is a big deal. No matter what area you have had questions and haven't understood God...those are your reasons...we have all been there.

Maybe you lost a loved one before you thought they should have gone. And you prayed "God, I don't understand". Or, maybe you lost a wonderful job and it didn't make sense for that chapter to close. Or, maybe you aren't getting any younger and you're still single and you just don't get it. Whatever your reason is, we all have them.

Being in that place of questioning...it can sometimes last only moments, and sometimes it can last much much longer. Having questions, is never a bad thing. It is good to be so deep in something that when it changes or doesn't go the way you thought...it's okay to ask. That's what God created us to be, deep people...passionate people...loving people...devoted people...thinking people. It's okay to question.

The time my questions turned into doubts and anger...was when I let sin into my life. I hated God for a time, I thought He did not know what He was doing and that I knew better. I walked right into a relationship which became an awakening for me to know that I do not have it all together and I can't do things "my way".

The relationship I am in now is not some polar opposite from what I was in before...what has changed is me.

A few years ago, after coming out of a hard breakup I decided to, not run, but sprint to God. I screamed...I prayed...I read...I wrote...I cried...I laid everything I had at His  feet. "No more of me God. You'll have to be the One to move...carry me" The day God brought peace to my heart full of pain, I remember still so vividly. I went for a walk, and I couldn't stand any longer, I sat on the grass and as I looked to the sun-set...warmth reached my skin and I closed my eyes and there was a beach, with no one on it...I was floating and I felt the motion of something...something around me....with the sound of the gentle ocean and the warm sun on me, I looked up...and it was God...walking on the beach...holding little me in His big strong hand...the motion I felt was Him walking.

To this day that vision carries me through my days. It was a huge impact for me, and it brought me peace. It was what I needed.

Not too long after this new peace...my Dad's heart failed and he got a heart pump, and a year after that he had a heart transplant. Rushing home when we got the call for the heart I knew where my trust was. I decided, that no matter if my Dad died or lived...God was good. No matter what. The situation didn't make me trust God, I decided to trust God.

I don't understand why God gave my Dad life but yet others die waiting for a heart. I don't get it. But I trust God is holding each and every one of us. And I trust His big, strong hands.

Ask questions. Pray it out to God. But don't forget that His ways are higher than our ways, and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. And He said that He will carry us. The answer to your questions may not be what you thought...He may just give you peace. You may still ask why...but just know that God is trustworthy all throughout time...He is the same yesterday and today...He is good...His ways are higher...so even if you don't understand Him...you can still trust Him...He won't let you down.

God is good
All the time
God is good